ErikaButterfly

So I looked at myself in the mirror this morning, naked, and I started thinking:

Why does it matter? Yes I know I should want to be healthy and fit, but honestly my motivation is that I’ll be able to wear cute things again and I’ll hopefully meet new people, maybe have a boyfriend (for the first time in 3 years). But I have stretch marks all over my body (not exaggerating) so there goes wearing cute things, or ever wearing a bikini. There goes getting a boyfriend and feeling comfortable enough in my own skin to have sex with or without the lights on. And of course there goes my confidence. I shouldn’t feel like this, I’m only 25. Twenty five year olds are not supposed to have stretch marks and flabby skin. I used to love going on dates just a couple months ago and now I get anxiety over what to wear and I basically rule out the fact that the guy will ever like me before I go on the date. (my subconscious protecting me I’m sure) My mom always bugs me about this and she used to be overweight, but she lost weight cause ulcers made her have to have 3/4 of her stomach removed. She has the perfect husband and everyone thinks she’s beautiful. I’m her daughter, but when I’m with her with family or in public, they look at me like “where did the fatty come from?” I don’t think she gets how hard it is. What’s the point in even doing any of this if I’m going to feel just as bad once I lose the weight?

Thanks for reading.

Well let me start at the beginning. When I first moved to FL I had no job and no friends. I was going to graduate school, but with class size being about 3 people its hard to make a lot of friends. Then I got a job (the same job I have now) and I started making more friends. I became friends with this one man because I sat next to him at work and shortly there after became friends with his Wife who also works there. Eventually I was moved into the Wife’s department (a small step up) on her recommendation. Now here’s where it turns ugly…

Over the past couple months the company has been making a lot of changes. About 6 months ago the head of our department, and a good friend of ours, was fired. Things were very good with her there, we didn’t have to punch in and out for breaks, we were free to do our work, but were not really tied down. Of course a new woman became our department’s Supervisor, which was ok. Ever since then though the Wife has been awful to work with. She makes personal calls all day and another woman and I are picking up all the slack. She was coming in 2 hours before her set time and then leaving 2 hours earlier and when this was caught by our new supervisor she was not happy.

Rules were set, we weren’t allowed to come in early or stay late unless it was approved, we had to clock in and out for breaks and were made to take a 45 minute lunch. (I know that doesn’t sound bad, but to us it was because of how things had always been run in the past) Of course we adhered to the new rules. This was about 6-8 weeks ago and ever since the Wife has been taking half a day or a whole day off every week. It’s very frustrating when the time that she is there she barely does any work to start with.

So yesterday the 3 of us in the department had a meeting with our Supervisor and were told our schedules would be changing. The one woman got a certain schedule because our Boss needs her there for certain projects. The other two schedules were one all day shift and one all night shift. Our Supervisor told us we could decide what we wanted to do. I asked if we could split the night shifts up so one of us wouldn’t be working all night shifts and the Supervisor said yes. Now it has never been brought up before, but the Supervisor said something about the Wife having senority and she should be able to chose what she wants first. She gave us until Tuesday to discuss it.

Back at our desks the Wife told me that she didn’t really want to work all night shifts because of meetings she has to be at for her Husband’s motorcycle team. I told her that I didn’t want to work all nights too so thats why we should split them up. (We were both already working one night shift a week so what’s one more right?) Anyway she sends me this e-mail saying how sorry she is but she really can’t work all night shifts because of things she needs to do. (Like I don’t have things to do?) So I got a little upset and instead of blowing up I walked outside and called my mom, which always helps me calm down and gather my thoughts. While on the phone the other woman in our department came out. When I got off the phone we talked for a few minutes and then the Wife came out because she was leaving to go home for the day. I asked her to come over and we talked about what was going on. I told her that she is not the only one with a life outside of work and we would have to work out some compromise. She started telling me that she had to bring her nieces to casting calls. By this point I was a little upset so I told her that they have a mother and a grand mother and a god mother as well and that this is her job, not that. She started saying they were like her daughters and I said, “but they aren’t.” (they are her Husband’s sister’s kids) What happened to the whole story about needing to be home for the motorcycle meetings, I don’t know.

So the Wife said she’d think about it and then she left work and the other woman and I went back inside. Back at our desks we see an e-mail sent out by our Supervisor with our new schedules and my name next to the night shift schedule. I made a copy of the “I’m so sorry” e-mail that the Wife had sent me and went to our Supervisor’s office. She then told me that the Wife had come in her office (while the the other woman and I were outside) and given her a change of schedule form. When the Supervisor asked the Wife if I had agreed to this the Wife told her that, “Yes, Erika knows I’m taking the day shift.” This was before we had even discussed anything outside. I showed the Supervisor the e-mail and told her it was the last thing that was said before she went to the Supervisor, that we hadn’t discussed anything until after she told the Supervisor it was already decided.

I was obviously furious, not about the schedule as much as I was furious about the manipulating and backstabbing. I was also upset about the fact that when the Wife and I were talking outside she didn’t have the guts to say to my face that she had already given our Supervisor her decision. I try to be diplomatic and fair and this is what I got. But that won’t change, because that’s not who I am. I can’t even believe that anyone can be that awful of a person to other human beings. The other woman in the department and I are very close, closer than the Wife and I ever were. When I told her what happened we both said that we will probably never talk to the Wife again unless it is work related. Which is fine by me. And the optimistic part is that since I don’t have to be to work until 12:30pm, I can work out in the mornings and have a normal routine. So, here’s to being healthy!

Thanks for reading.

This has nothing to do with weight loss, but I just needed to get something off my chest so here it goes:

I live in FL now (moved here for graduate school) but before that I lived in upstate NY and got my Bachelors from a college in WAY upstate NY.(We’re talking near Canada) Anyway, when I was at college in NY I had a lot of friends, most of them being from the art department since I was an art student and we all spent most of our spare time in the art studios. You grow this kind of bond, but not just based on art, based on everything. You become a family, you talk about everything; life, death,relationships, sex, family issues, secrets, all the way down to the most trivial and superficial things. Some more than others, but in the end, you will always remember and always love these people.

Now one person in particular was my great friend, we’ll call him J*, and he was one of those people, but I didn’t just love him, I fell in love with him. I had liked him from the first time I met him when I went to my friends’ dorm room my freshman year and he was there.(Back in about 2001/2002) They acted as if he was a stray they had picked up. From then on our friendship grew. We had classes together and always got in trouble for talking too much. Once I went to the darkrooms and J* was there working. We both wound up staying for hours bonding over developing photos and embarrassing High School stories.(When I couldn’t stop talking about it my friends new I was hooked) Another time we took a little (15 minute) road trip to the next town where our Sculpture Prof. had told our class there was this place that was basically like a condemned house, but you could actually buy things from their front yard for a project we were doing. I said I wanted to go, but wasn’t really sure about a condemned place so J* said he’d come with me to get stuff. We got there, took one look at the place, and turned around. On the way back to campus I told J* I felt bad that he wasn’t able to get anything for the project and he said he had only came with me because I said I was afraid to go alone. There was also the time I went to study minerals with a friend and J* was there studying for another class and after he left my friend immediately started making fun of our “puppy love” that was so obvious. I had already known long before this point though that I was in love with him.

Eventually, after almost 3 years of being friends, the summer before our Senior year (about 2004) in college, we admitted to each other that we liked one another. Since I was home for the summer and he lived closer to school (5 hours away) we talked on the phone every night. The conversations never stopped. We wanted to see each other and my mom even encouraged me to go visit him about 2 weeks after we had finally confessed to each other.(She knew what he meant to me) When I went to see him the first night was great. We watched TV and talked and held each other and even had our first kiss, which was amazing. He stayed the night and it was the most comfortable sleep I had ever had, didn’t move an inch all night.(Don’t worry though, there was no s-e-x, just spooning) Then the next day came and it was all down hill from there.

We didn’t see each other the next night because he had previous engagements. Then he called me and said he didn’t think he was ready yet since he had just broken up with his EX. I was upset, but understanding and went home the next day like had been planned. From there it turned into him being afraid we’d ruin the friendship, but in all honesty (and what I told him) was that this was ruining our friendship. But we had classes together in the Fall and we went back to being friends, just like always. We both dated other people, but would sometimes have fights based in jealousy. We never really got to date each other though.

Now it’s 2008 and we talk now and then, even on the phone, but me living in FL doesn’t help. Well today I found out that J* is engaged. He’s engaged to a girl he had met right before we graduated, the one that he was ready for. I had e-mailed him about a week or so ago and asked him about it, but I officially saw it posted somewhere today. I e-mailed him again to congratulate him with tears rolling down face. The oddest thing is that I just had a dream about him over the weekend. I was so sad, because I still truly believed that he was the one for me and I was still in love with him, that it would work out. I cried when I found out, and then I’ve cried again typing this, and I’ll probably cry again before I go to sleep while I think about the memories. I really thought it would be me…

Thanks for reading.

So, I’ve been reading the forums more, mostly the ones of my team, the Heartbreakers, and it’s really motivating. See, I leave work at 9pm on Thursdays and usually head to a fast food place to get something to eat since by that time I’m hungry and too tired to cook. Well this week I was going to bring something with me to work for dinner so I could eat earlier and have something more nutritious, but I was rushing in the morning and forgot my meal at home. As I left work I felt that urge, “just go to Burger King, it’ll be fine, no one will know”. Well guess what, I will know! I fought that urge every step of the way and drove my car (which seemed to want to drive itself to Burger King) home. I made myself something light to eat, enjoyed it, and stayed up a little while just so i could hopefully digest some of it and when I woke up the next morning I didn’t feel like someone kicked me in the stomach the night before. I was so proud of myself. I think part of the reason why I was able to do it is because I had been reading the forum that night at work and the support of knowing you have a team behind you really kicks your butt. (And gets into your mind apparently, hehe) So thanks to my teammates and thanks to everyone else who sends boosters or words of encouragement, all the support really means a lot to me. THANKS EVERYONE!

Hope everyone has a great (and slimming) Memorial Day Weekend and thanks for reading.

So I’ve been doing really well today, which is always a motivator.  I’ve eaten well all day and even took a walk during my lunch break.(after having a salad)  I actually fell really good about it, but I’m trying to take things one step (or bite) at a time.  I find that if I think about everything at once I just get frustrated and then wind up eating a bag of chips or something equally bad for me.

Work has been very boring today so I’m proud of myself for not giving in to the temptation of just snacking all day.  I’ve been looking for some new furniture online, drinking plenty of water, and of course, writing this blog, to keep my mind occupied.  I was also doing a little research on protein and fiber powders/supplements.  I’m thinking of beginning to start my days with a smoothie, but I don’t really know where to start except for I know I need more protein and fiber.  If anyone has any suggestions or knows anyone that might just let me know, it would be much appreciated. 

Other than that things are pretty mellow.  I just can’t wait to get out of work so I can go do some shopping.  That is definitely my other addiction.  I need to pick up some things for my apartment, but even if I can’t find everything I figure the walking is a good workout.  Hope everyone else is doing well!  Thanks for reading!

So last week at work a friend of mine (a male friend) asked to see some old pictures of me.  I’ve only lived in FL for about 2 and a half years so most people here don’t know what I looked like in the past.  Anyway, I happened to have just came back from a trip to NY and had burned a CD with old pictures. (My mom wanted them removed so she would have more room on the computer)  I had this disc with me at work so I popped it in and was a happy about, yet a little depressed by, the reaction.

Here’s why I was happy: My male co-workers that I showed the pictures to, first almost didn’t realize it was me.  Then I (the pictures) started getting all these compliments.  A few said I looked like a model and were basically “turned on” by the photos.  Now these were not racey pictures, but even I thought, “I looked good.”  Best I’ve ever looked and back then (after losing the weight that got me there) I had tons of confidence.

And here’s why I was depressed: As much as my co-workers liked the pictures it was an unignorable sign that I don’t look that way anymore.  And that just SUCKS!!!  I wasn’t even that thin when the pictures were taken, around 180 pounds, but that is still about 65 pounds less than I am right now and that is the depressing part.

But I’m not going to let it get to me, instead I’m going to use that as motivation.  I am even going to print one of those pictures out and put it in my wallet to help during times when I’m struggling to stay on track.  Here is the picture:

This has also driven me to write out my wish list, so here it goes:

(1.) I wish I could lose the weight to make myself get (back) the attention that this picture got. (And then some)

(2.) I wish to work hard everyday to acheive my goals.

(3.) I wish to have the motivation to push myself and keep myself going.

(4.) I wish I could go into regular stores again and buy clothing. (not Plus sizes)

(5.) I wish for a better life for myself: physically, mentally, socially, professionally

(6.) I wish for everyone else to see me as I see me.

(7.) And I wish everyone else’s wishes come true and I wish them good luck!

Thanks for reading.

Well things have been going well.  That job I talked about in my last blog, “Talk About Stress!!!” was not for me, but the woman I met with said there is another job she is working on getting approved and she felt “really good” me and the position.  It’s basically a Graphic Designer position with Marketing mixed in. (which would be great experience for me)  While she is working on getting the position approved she said I can work with another person in the Marketing department on some projects because his plate is so full.  This way we can see if we work well together and see if I’m a good fit.  Everything so far has been great and I’m being put in touch with a printing/graphic design company that my company uses that is basically the best in S. FL. (another great experience and great people to know in my field)

Everything else is also going well.  If you were able to read my recent post you know I started over on the whole weightloss thing because I had gained and basically didn’t want to bring my team (the Heartbreakers) down.  Everyone needs to just hit the “restart” button sometimes.  I’m also looking into joining a new gym as well, one that has classes, which I think will motivate me to keep going and will allow me to change things up when I get bored, plus I wanted to try yoga. (If anyone knows of any good ones, in S. FL, feel free to let me know, I don’t mind if the gym is unisex or not)  

 Also I’ve been thinking about diet.  Now when I say diet I don’t mean restricting, I mean when to eat and portion control.  My plan is to get a lunch box and bring individual snacks and lunch/dinner to work everyday so I will keep on track, plus it will keep me from eating the snacks the provide at my job. (chips, cookies, etc.)

Well that’s about it for now, I know it was long, hehe.  If anyone has any advice feel free to give it.  I’ll take all the help I can get.  Thanks for reading!

So I have a Bachelors in Studio Art and a Masters in Graphic Design, but still can’t find a job in the Graphic Design field. I keep looking and sending out my information, but it doesn’t seem to help. So on Friday at the job I have now HR sends out an internal posting for an Advertising Assistant postion. Now this isn’t exactly what I went to school for, but I’ve been with the company for about 2 and a half year now and have already moved myself up once within the company, what could it hurt to try and do it again? Plus I already had a try at this job before, last year when I had to step in for someone while he was on vacation and he does kind of the same job. Anyway, I sent my resume, and the head of HR asked me to tell my boos and she also sent the information on to the Advertising VP. I e-mailed my boss and he said he was a big fan of growth and opportunity, so that was approval to go for it. Then Monday I emailed the Advertising VP just to make sure she had gotten my info. and let her know if she wanted I would like to meet with her to go over my qualifications and what the position entails. Well yesterday I got an e-mail from her asking to see me the next day (today) to discuss the position and such. So I have that meeting today, on top of about 2-3 others. Talk about stress!!!

(I just needed to vent and get it out of my system.  Thanks for reading.)

I seem to have lost all motivation for losing weight. When I had lost weight in the past I was fine, but now I’ve run out of will power and motivation. I don’t know what happened??? It’s just easier not to try at all and just keep eating whatever I want, when I want, and it’s easier not working out. I know that sounds lazy and probably to all of you that are working so hard it sounds horrible, but that’s how I feel. I don’t know what to do.

Thanks for reading.